What Did I Do?

I distinctly remember this moment a few weeks after my first child was born when I was sleep deprived, sore from my emergency c-section, and failing miserably at breast feeding when I thought “What did I do? Why in the world did I think I was capable of taking care of and raising a child? I can’t do this and I can’t take it back.” That feeling sums up my first 2 days of van life.

I am writing this post after the fact because in that moment I was such a mess that writing was the last thing on my mind. When I drove out of the Drifter Vans parking lot I was feeling nervous but excited. I had a reservation for a campground that was 3 hours away, and I had a pre-planned stop at a Wal-Mart Supercenter for all of my supplies. My water tank was full, my grey tank was empty, and the roads were clear because it was a Sunday morning. I was feeling really optimistic. That optimism didn’t last long.

Getting comfortable driving the van was challenging, but it was something I expected. I have never before driven anything that large for long distances. The most experience I’ve had was driving a small moving truck from our old house to our storage unit. When I first pulled out of the parking lot, the van felt very tippy to me especially on curves and turns. It was also challenging to adjust to stopping and starting such a large vehicle, as well as, adjust to the constant rattling of things in the van while I was driving. But, these challenges were things I expected and had made plans to deal with during my first drive. I planned to avoid large highways and stick to small back roads, to take my time, and to keep distractions to a minimum so I could focus on driving. These strategies really seemed to work. I was definitely more tired than when driving a car, but I was doing ok.

                                                          Small roads of Ohio surrounded by beautiful corn fields. 

I made my stop for supplies with mild success. I grabbed about 50% of what I really needed. I was nervous about leaving my dog in the van by herself for the first time, so I couldn’t focus on finding everything I needed. And before everyone worries, she was fine and safe in the van. I left the AC set on 68 and she had her fluffy bed, water, and food. But, the mother in me just couldn’t relax not knowing how she was handling being alone for the first time. Once I shopped, loaded everything in the van, and hit the road again I realized how tired I really was. The logistics and newness of driving this large vehicle were starting to get to me, but I knew I was within an hour of my destination. So, I powered through.

When I finally arrived at the campground I let them know at check-in that I was a newbie and had no idea about parking in a campground spot. The office staff was super nice and told me no worries the staff member showing me to my spot would help. Unfortunately that is not how things happened. When I backed into my spot, the staff member watched but didn’t really offer any help. Thank God for my back-up cameras. When my van looked straight enough to him he simply drove off in his golf cart. After he left, I jumped out of the van and realized I was straight in the spot, and I was really proud of myself. However, even though I was straight I quickly realized I was in fact not level. Did I have leveling blocks? Nope. Did I know how to use leveling blocks? Also Nope.

And as if it was written in a movie script in that exact moment, it started to rain. So, I was standing there in the rain looking at my unlevel van having no idea what to do. The problem solver in me decided to try to move my van to the most level part of my spot. So, I started jumping in and out of the van moving it in small increments trying to get to the most level place in my small spot. My final position was not even close to level, but it was the best I could do. I was able to make sure that my head would be “uphill” when sleeping, and I considered that a win.

At this point the fatigue was setting in, and I was feeling really out of my comfort zone. But, I told myself just do the next thing. The next thing was to set myself up for camping mode and I decided that plugging into shore power to get the AC going would be a good place to start. I ran around to the back of the van in my raincoat to grab my cord and walked over to the electrical box. And the next moment will be imprinted on my brain for eternity. I had the cord in my hand looking at the electrical box and proceeded to forgot everything I learned and practiced about how to plug into shore power. I realize that plugging in should be a simple thing, but I froze. I kept thinking that if I messed this up it would completely destroy Lucy’s incredibly expensive electrical system. Yes, I was being completely overly dramatic.

This moment was the beginning of a very ugly melt down. I put the cord back into my van and decided I would just ignore the need for power. I am very good at avoidance. I jumped back in the van, opened all the windows and turned on my fan to try and cool off. Who needs shore power in the 80 degree heat? I am fine! At that moment my 16 year old chihuahua figured out how to open the magnetic closure of the bug screen on my sliding door and jumped out of the van. Commence full blown melt down. Those thoughts I had after my first child was born were back. All I could think was “What did I do? I want to quit. I want to go home, but I can’t.” It was not a pretty site. I sat in my van and just cried and cried. I felt like I had just made this huge mistake with my life and that there was no way out.

This was not how my first solo trip was supposed to go. It was supposed to be exciting and fun and full of adventure. And even though I knew there would be challenges, I was not prepared for these feelings. I have been through some pretty difficult things in my life, and I have always found a way to persevere. Feelings of wanting to quit are not feelings I am familiar with, but in a lovely campground in rural northern Ohio I fell completely apart and just wanted to quit.

                                                             A beautiful campground for a melt down in Ohio.

I hope all of you have a best friend who can see you at your very worst and talk you back into the land of the rational. Thankfully I do have such a best friend. And while this melt down lasted longer than most, I did make it out the other side. And that is a story for next time.