Do It Scared
Van Life was a dream a long time in the making. I planned, imagined, and fantasized about what it would be like to travel the country in a van. I imagined simple living, days of freedom, and most importantly time to explore nature. Hiking, biking, paddleboarding, and so many other activities ran through my mind on a continuous loop. The funny part about it is that the idea of doing most of these things terrifies me. Hiking alone gives me visions of bear attacks, biking alone gives me visions of epic disasters leading to broken bones, and paddling boarding of course leads to visions of shark attacks. Are these fears rational, no. But do they still strongly influence my behavior? 100% yes!
Sometime in middle school I developed an irrational fear being attacked by a shark when I was swimming in the ocean. I don’t know if it was the movie Jaws or a crazy encounter I had with a barracuda during a school field trip that initiated the fear, but whatever the cause the fear is real. When my boys were young I wanted to give them the experiences of snorkeling, boating, and all things ocean but my fear would stand in the way. In 2015, I took my boys on an epic vacation to Oahu and Maui. When we were on the island of Maui I planned a trip to snorkel at Molokini Crater which is a partially submerged volcanic crater a few miles off the coast of Maui. This excursion would essentially have us snorkeling in the middle of the ocean. The night before our snorkel trip I hardly slept. I was so scared and kept imagining one of the boys getting attacked. So, why did I plan this activity? Well, because I didn’t want to pass my fears on to my children.
So, the next morning I got up and powered through it. Even though I was terrified I just did it. I did it scared.
I wish I could tell you that accomplishing that activity changed my fear. It didn’t. I was still terrified but the fear didn’t control me that day. And my kids had a blast. So over the last 9 years, I have been doing things that terrify me for my kids. My love for them and my desire to not pass on my irrational fears has motivated me to keep doing things even though they scare me. And whether or not it’s the repetition that has started to make things easier or the fact that I usually do things with 3 giant humans protecting me, I can’t say. But over time doing things scared with them has just gotten easier.
In addition to an irrational fear of sharks I also have one of bears which means even though I love hiking, it scares me. Fast forward to van life and I am sure you can see the upcoming problem. The western North Carolina mountains are full of incredible waterfalls and mountain vistas, but in order to see them one must hike to them. My assumption was that I would just be able to do it like I had with snorkeling. Unfortunately that is not what happened. These adventures in the van are missing my motivating factor, my kids.
So, for the past few months I have been working on facing my fears for myself. And facing doesn’t mean they go away, it simply means I am doing things scared. Every single day there is something I have to do or face that scares me. One day it’s changing the propane for the first time, another day it’s parking in a really tight spot, and another day it’s taking my first solo hike. Doing it scared has become my moto, so much so that I tattooed on my arm so I never forget.
I know with certainty that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. So, I will continue to do things that scare me so that when my time comes my list of what if will be shorter than my list of what is.
